I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, for a few hours now. So much has changed in just a few weeks. Not even subtle changes. Solid changes, changes that affect the way I think and act. I have changed, when it comes down to it.
I have changed.
Saying it changes things, once again. I have changed in ways I never thought were possible. I don’t know if you want examples, but I need to type them out. Make them public.
I’ve been partying the past few weekends. I’ve gotten drunk too often. So drunk I’ve done things I’d prefer to keep private. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I’ve also found my self confidence. Before, it had crept under the bed and came out when I needed it most, but now, it’s more present. I don’t look into the mirror and see fat thighs and too big eyes anymore. I see me.
Me, flawed. Me, confused. Me, tired. But me.
Change is hard, but sometimes it happens because your guts tell you you need it. I think that’s what happened. I needed to loosen up, I needed to view things differently. I needed to let go of control.
But sometimes, the “old me” peeks through. Now, for instance. Now, I’m feeling lonely and messed up and I’m longing for my bedtime to come so this day can be over. I should be studying right now, studying hard ad preparing for school tomorrow. But instead, I’m sitting at my desk listening to music and crying.
That’s what’s up.
