This is, again, not a happy post with pictures of My Today, it itsn’t a book review, everything that’s going on this blog right now is simply thoughts, I need an outlet, some kind of typing it out, being heard. I’m again at that weird phase where I am sad, one minute, I have it all under control, the other, I sit on my bed crying because I can’t find the charger for my camera.
I don’t know what my life is becoming, everything is so all over the place, ungrouped, unglued, I don’t even know what to call it. I am so in love with all the people I call friends but I wish I could have them together, be one person, I sometimes feel like I am different with everyone, not one whole personality, does that make sense? It confuses me, it confuses me so much, and, in all honesty, I can’t deal with it.
I am always so afraid of what other people think of me, what I say, the way I talk, to I still look like the kid spending all her pauses in the library, close to being bullied by “the cool kids” in sixth grade? Or do I look independent, like someone who’s got it all under control, with nice hair and good legs? Or is my hair broken and my thighs fat? I keep worrying, not letting go, keep wishing I was different. Keep searching. And then, when I’m alone, I start thinking, my heart goes thump, thump, thump and my eyes hurt and there is the emptiness again, kreeping up on you like some kind of monster under the bed.
When is it over, I think, when will it change? I keep hoping I’ll be grown up soon, independent, but won’t I still be the same? Insecure on the inside, trying to shine and be brave on the outside.
